The Parent Educator
If any of you remember (as if any of you are still here) when I first took this blog I mentioned that I wanted to discuss all facets of educating children with all forms of educators. And, parents are just one of those sources, right?
This is a pretty big deal in our house right now so I thought I would throw it out here for you to dissect. (See, I’m using all kind of education words). My children cry at night because they have to go to sleep in their own bed. Now, before you jump, hear me out.
They go to bed fine. They watch about 15 minutes of Blue’s Clues or Thomas the Train (I insist on these two because the others are too active, those two should bore anyone to sleep). When it goes off, usually one of them is asleep. It doesn’t matter though, it happens if one is asleep or their both awake. After another fifteen minutes or so, they start asking if they can go to “momma’s bed”.
Side Note: I don’t know why they say it the way they do but it is “momma’s bed” and “momma’s bathroom” although Wayne and I both sleep and bath in the respective rooms.
When we spoke to the counselor about this, he said, “tell them no and put them back in bed”. And, Wayne said that he would do that but I would give in after they got up a few times. So, I agreed to let him handle it. Well, here’s my analogy, correct me if I’m wrong….
Human Beings cry when they are unhappy, correct? And, my children are crying, so that means they are unhappy, correct?
I am an only child. I remember having insomnia as far back as age eight. I couldn’t stand my mom’s new husband and I would lie in bed for hours sometimes. And, I would cry. I hated being alone. And, I would cry. So, what I said about my children crying, that means they are unhappy right? By the way, the counselors words to me when I explained my thoughts on this matter were “don’t project that onto your children, that was you, not them.”
Help me be a good parent, a parent that teaches her children that they are not alone. They sleep in the room with one another. They can’t be lonely, right?
Any advice?
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September 13th, 2008 at 7:21 am
Sometimes kids cry because they know it pushes mommy’s buttons.;)
Talk to them about why they want to be with mommy and daddy. Make sure they understand that people and animals and everything needs a time to rest, and that night-time is that time for EVERYONE. They need to learn to respect that. You can comfort them that they are not alone- do they cry at other times of the day when you are not around? If not, then suddenly being upset at ‘being alone’ is a manipulation. They don’t realize this yet, but will when they are developmentally ready to understand the finer points of why selfish behavior is undesirable.
Second- television is not a good medium to put kids to sleep with. I would recommend audiobooks or music, so that they can close their eyes and listen and drift off. If they wake up, they can listen until they go back to sleep.
When they know that crying to go to mommy’s bed isn’t going to work, they’ll eventually stop. This means DON’T RESPOND to the manipulation. And always remember that kids have a much higher threshold than you do. If they test you and realize that crying every night for a week will get them what they want, they will invest that week.
That’s my .02
September 13th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
They are crying because they have a need that is not being met. When Sunniemom says that it’s manipulation, that seems to me to be a very unkind thing to assume about a child. Very unkind indeed. And it also completely misconstrues the intent. Yes, children have needs and cry in order to express their feelings. They hope that their needs will be met. Assuming they are manipulation is just a way to put *your* preferences first, and to create a needless power struggle between you and your child.
When ever I wonder if the way that I am treating my child is right, I imagine that it is my husband instead. If your husband was crying in another room at night, whether for being lonely or just wanted to be with you, would you *ignore* his cries? Would you insist on him sleeping alone regardless of his feelings? Is so, I would wonder about how long the marriage would last. Unfortunately, children cannot escape our cruelty.
If you are having trouble standing up to the counselor, why not familiarize yourself with a copy of some of Dr. Sears’ writings on The Family Bed, and maybe print out some information on the benefits of sharing sleep with your children? I think that once you give up the power struggle and let yourself relax into enjoying your children’s company (even at night), you will find yourself a lot happier.
BTW: most counselors of from the school of thought that children need “behavior modification” (e.g. they should be trained like dogs at a dog training school). You may have to look much farther to find someone who is more attachment-parenting oriented, and who is willing to respect your very legitimate intuitions when you sense your crying child is suffering.
September 14th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Sunniemom, I appreciate your thoughts and I think it is along the lines of our counselor. We’ve tried this route and this is what is killing me the most is that I fair on the side of Dr. Sears more than on the manner of our counselor. I appreciate your thoughts though. Thanks and you know you are always welcome here.
I read this to my husband and he agreed to let me intervene at the point where I feel like it starts to be cruel. I mean, I know that all kids do some things just to put off going to bed, but the way my children do is way past that. I appreciate you putting it all so bluntly so that he could see my point. The analysis of it being him really hit home. He knows that I take good care of him and his every whim, why I should I do any different for my kids.