The Angry 4 Year Old
6:30 AM: MOM GET UP
6:45 AM: demands pancakes for breakfast
7:00 AM: refuses to eat pancakes with syrup
7:10 AM: refuses to eat pancakes because I cut them up
7:15 AM: takes one bite, gets upset because he wants pancake cut in half
7:30 AM: refuses to put on clothes
7:32 AM: screeches and screams in squalor because he doesn’t want to wear shoes (it’s 30 degrees out)
7:35 AM: follows me and older child to truck, in socks, pj top and too small pants that he found in drawer
7:40 AM: screams all the way to the truck because his feet are getting wet
7:45 AM: cries and refuses to buckle his own seatbelt (I buckle it, lest we are late getting oldest child to school)
7:50 AM: laughing, talking, having a jolly ol’ time
7:55 AM: crying because the ground is cold and wet and he has on no shoes
8:00 AM: he wants pancakes, not the ones he already had on his plate that he refused to eat, he wants fresh ones
8:10 AM: decides he will eat the ones he has if I will cut them an put syrup on them
8:30 AM: denies having dirty pull-up
8:45 AM: cries because I insist he get wipes and clean pull-up
8:50 AM: cries because I have to use the bathroom and don’t change his pull-up first
9:00 AM: wants to play our new Wii (I won it this weekend)
9:05 AM: don’t want to play the game I set up
9:10 AM: plays the game I put in
9: 25 AM: cries because he messed game up and I won’t fix it
9:40 AM: cries because I put the game on that he wanted earlier and not the one he wants now
10:00 AM: cries because I say no more Wii for a little while
10:10 AM: playing, denies he has on dirty pull-up
10:15 AM: cries because I insist he get pull-up and wipes
10:20 AM: cries because I go to bathroom before I change his pull-up
10:25 AM: asks for something to eat, cries because he doesn’t want anything I offer
10:30 AM: decides he wants what I offered in the first place
10:40 AM: drags blocks out into family room, plays for a short time
10:50 AM: throws mother of all fits because I insist he clean up his mess
11:00 AM: throws even bigger fit because I start to sweep up mess he made eating breakfast an that snack
11:15 AM: wants to play Wii, can’t get it started on his own, wants me to do it, I set it for golf because that’s what he ORIGINALLY asked for, he throws fit because he wants bowling
11:30 AM: he now wants golf back
11:45 AM: wants something to eat, picks at some lunch, probably eats 3 bites
12:00 PM: throws mother of all fits because I sweep up his mess and tell him we are going to take a nap
12:15 PM: sits on sofa, screeching like a banshee over taking a nap
12:20 PM: gets up, no tears, gets in my bed, asks for me to rub his back
12:30 PM: sound a sleep
2:15 PM: wakes up, cries because he wants us to go pick up oldest son but cousin who has borrowed my truck is picking him up instead
2:30 PM: wants something to eat, cries because he doesn’t want anything I’ve offered
2:40 PM: starts to ask when it will be time for t-ball practice
2:50 PM: decides he is not playing t-ball, throws mother of all fits because he doesn’t want to go to t-ball
3:00 PM: oldest child is home, 4 year old wants to play golf, oldest child wants to play bowling, they argue, get sent to their room
3:15 PM: they compromise, take turns playing Wii
4:00 PM: begins asking when t-ball practice is and what time his daddy will be home
4:15 PM: crying because he doesn’t even want to play t-ball
4:30 PM: crying because dad is home and gathering supplies for oldest child to go to t-ball and he wants to go too
4:45 PM: puts his own clothes on, goes to t-ball practice
I am not with them during this time, however, it is my understanding that at
6:30 PM: pitches horrible fit because he doesn’t want to leave t-ball.
7:00 PM: home, prepares to eat, eats about 4 bites, ready to play Wii
7:30 PM: he and oldest child have taken turns playing, oldest son has taken bath and they are preparing for bed
7:35 PM: cries because he does not want to drink any milk
7:40 PM: goes to bed mad because he wants to wear different pj’s than the ones he initially picked out and put on
7:45 PM: asks if he can come back to family room and drink his milk
7:50 PM: dad tells him no, he cries
7:55 PM: starts asking to go get in my bed, cries because I tell him no
8:00 PM: comes to family room, drinks his chocolate milk,
8:10 PM: returns to his room and asks if he can change his pj’s
8:12 PM: crying asking to go to my bed, crying because he can’t find his pj’s
8:15 PM: the husband is getting him some clean pj’s and he is complaining of being cold, wanting pj’s and wanting to go to my bed
8:18 PM: heading to his bed, crying because he wants to go to my bed, but he does have on clean warm pj’s
8:22 PM: in his bed, not crying, but complaining because oldest son is talking
8:25 PM: all is quite
8:31 PM: he heads to my bed….
I’m assuming it is now safe to post this…however, if things go absurdly wrong before I manage to make it to bed myself, I’ll update this post.
February 26th, 2009 at 9:50 am
That would also include the angry 5 1/2 year old and it’s double because I have twins and they feed off of each others energy. You are not alone I’m sending you a comforting hug and a hang in there. I hear it does get better.
February 26th, 2009 at 11:18 pm
um why is a 4 yr old still wearing pull ups all day and dirtying them? its called a backbone.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:11 am
Ohh dear, I have an 11 month old…she’s adorable now…I don’t want a four year old…lmao…good luck.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:37 am
To emily,
Has the thought occurred to you that her son could be autistic? It’s not called “having a backbone”. Well, it’s pretty obvious that you know nothing about it. Think b4 posting, kthxbye.
February 27th, 2009 at 2:46 am
[...] Unless you’ve had your head stuck in the sand (like my husband) you probably realize that many parenting bloggers are women. So, on the rare occasion that I find a good read on a blog that is written by the [...]
February 27th, 2009 at 2:49 am
[...] Unless you’ve had your head stuck in the sand (like my husband) you probably realize that many parenting bloggers are women. So, on the rare occasion that I find a good read on a blog that is written by the [...]
February 27th, 2009 at 3:16 am
[...] of War by Jerri Ann I know that seems a bit overly dramatic but we did make it to see the child psychiatrist today. One of the issues that she felt is a problem is anxiety. Sound familiar? I [...]
February 27th, 2009 at 6:15 am
Chocolate Milk before bed?
Im sorry, autistic or not im severely questioning your parenting skills here.
February 27th, 2009 at 7:36 am
[...] with that, my son and I got out of bed at the ungodly (for us anyway) hour of 6 AM this morning, left home at 6:30 [...]
February 27th, 2009 at 10:16 am
Dear Stacy and any one else who is wondering…
Chocolate - as in Ovaltine, no caffeine, no sugar……no reason to apologize for questioning my parenting skills, but I have an older son, he is 6, where none of this was an issue, so I’m fairly certain that 100% of this is not parenting skills, but I’d be willing to take a 60/40 split here. The bottom line is this, my child does have some issues to work through in therapy. One of them being anxiety and having suffered from anxiety myself, I understand this one.
Sensory issues happens to be another issue that I dealt with as a child but since I’m 40, it really had no diagnosis then, my mom simply dealt with it. I potty trained at a fairly average age, however, every time I had a bowel movement from the time I started trying to potty train up through about age 5, I would throw-up or at least gag and heave until she had to find a garbage can for me to hold. Yea, I outgrew it, without therapy and my so will my son. But, since my son is getting therapy, hopefully he can truly deal with his issues.
As an adult, I still get horribly sick when I have to change poopy diapers. And, not just because my son is 4. I did this from the moment they were born. I would gag and heave with ever poopy diaper. My mother has come from her house, less than 100 yards away, to change poopy diapers just so I didn’t get sick. While pregnant with son number 2 I was already suffering from hyperemesis (I had it with son number 1 too, lost a total of 30 pounds during pregnancy and another 20 from entering hospital until discharge) and so any and everyone would change diapers (guests would even do it for me) because of my inability to cope with it.
And, so, if my son is able to over-come the whole issue of sensory disorders or learn to better cope than his 40 year old mother, then that will be considered the most wonderful therapy ever.
And, finally, the ODD in my opinion is the part where I’m willing to say 40 % of this might very well be parenting. Why do I say that? I say that because my 4 year old was a 35 week premie. EVERYONE including his own brother has babied him, given him what he wants and catered to him. In all actuality, his 6 year old brother is more tolerate of his behavior than either of us (me and my husband). The oldest child will actually question “why” we punished the 4 year old under many circusmtances. So, sure, I’ll take that 40 %, no questions asked.
But, it’s time for people (women especially) to ask questions first, draw conclusions last. You didn’t ask me if I was feeding my children an IV of caffiene and sugar at night……when in reality, Ovaltine has neither of those. Our kids don’t get candy, soda, snack cakes (and if you want to read where I intervened at school over a candy and cupcake issue, you can find that around these blogs too), and they do not even get juice anymore. They drink water unless it is a birthday or major holiday.
And, as far as assuming it is primarly parenting skills, I find that highly amusing that a child in the same family, with exact same genes and so close in age doesn’t have these issues. Yes, he is different, very different. He is tall and lanky, dark headed, a big talker, a socialite in his best form. So, I expect the differences, the younger one is short, slim, blonde, quite, shy and simply has a different personality.
But, when we are talking about parenting issues, they’ve been parented exactly the same, so with that, I am led to wonder where the problems lie, and I am gong to assume that you now have a better picture of what you were commenting instead of just tossing out words with little knowledge of the situation.
February 27th, 2009 at 10:30 am
My 4yo’s bad day :
630am I get up anyways,lol
645 - child demands pancakes, is reminded that I cook to order on Sundays only, is served hot cereal.
730 - is reminded to get dressed - doesn’t want to get dressed, is reminded that legos are forfeit if he is not dressed by 730.
8am - put child in van, regardless of what he is wearing , taking note on whether or not to remove legos for the day.
Seat belt is buckled by the child, as it has never been optional, ever.
8am, back home - child is offered the option of helping to make french toast, which we will freeze in single servings and he can nuke on his own for mornings he doesn’t like hot cereal.
930 am - start cleaning up mess of child’s ‘help’.
935 am wailing about the legos begins
940 am, wailing is confined to child’s room, and child is reminded that he may emerge when he is done wailing.
945am - child emerges sniffling, bravely bearing up under the cruel burden on a mean mommy, and drags out ‘car city’, his collections of toy cars and their etceras.
1030- asks to play on the computer. Is asked if he has any screen time tickets left, says no, starts crying…
1035 - back to room.
1040- drags self out of room and asks mean mommy if he can earn a screen time ticket.
1045 accompanied by mom, proudly carries half full trash bag from kitchen to outdoor trash can.
1050 - playing Reader Rabbit.
1120 - devastated by timer going off, removes self to room amid wails of ‘my life is SO unfair’
1125 - finds some stray legos under bed and delights in beating the system by playing with them.
And so on…
Why is standing your ground SO tough on so many parents ?
It’s by far easier to put up with a few bad days than to serve as the hassled staff to a tiny tyrant every day of his life, yeeesh !
February 27th, 2009 at 10:36 am
“40 % of this might very well be parenting. Why do I say that? I say that because my 4 year old was a 35 week premie. EVERYONE including his own brother has babied him, given him what he wants and catered to him”
and
“when we are talking about parenting issues, they’ve been parented exactly the same”
Really ?
Doesn’t sound like it.
Sounds like you let the younger child get spoiled beyond belief and now you’re unwilling to do the extra work it’s going to take to undo all the damage.
Therapy for anxiety ?
Yes, children who push and push and push for boundaries they can’t find are by far more anxious than the average child.
Put your foot down, and wait out the three weeks of testing and outrage that you’ve grown a spine, and watch how two months later, you’ve got a normal 4yo.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Normal? Humm, I question that word. What is normal? I can honestly tell you that my children are held to a much higher standard of behavior than most children we are around, athletics, church, family functions, etc. However, you however aren’t that well versed in the the behaviors I mentioned, Sensory Disorder for one. Do you know what it is like to puke every time you change your old child’s poopy diaper? Then, you probably don’t know what’s like for a child that’s 4 to do as much. Do you know what’s like to feel over-whelmed on a regular basis? To feel like you are a little bit ant in a great big room and you are having to dodge and squirm to avoid being squashed? That’s pretty obviously not what happens with you either. If you think for one minute that a child at the age of 4 is manipulating this family, you are dead wrong. He spends a great deal of his time in time-out, in his room, bellowing.
As for your method if “tickets for computer time” and such. I do not believe in rewarding a child for behavior that is expected in the first place. Research proves that the part o the brain that responds to rewards for every day simple behavior is also the part of the brain that is responsible for enducing addictions. We do have a sticker chart for some chores and other activities, but I refuse to reward my son because he doesn’t throw a tempter tantrum or because he uses the potty. Those aren’t things we are rewarded for as adults, why should we reward a child for that and set him up for a lifetime of disappointment.
I don’t see anyone offering me up a $10 bill every time I make a trip to the bathroom or because I didn’t get out and scream and yell with rage because someone took a parking space I had been waiting on for 3 or 4 minutes.
I’m not sure why you feel you have so much authority over my child when you’ve never met me or either of my children. Doesn’t that seem a bit odd to you as well?
February 27th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
So…..don’t know if I even want to bother to comment. BUT…I totally agree with you Jeri Ann, we need to ask questions first then draw conclusions. You are brave, I would hate to see the comments after a day with my sometimes angry 3 year old. Although the angry days seem to be subsiding. Also good for you to believe in yourself as a parent. That is the hardest thing for me to do.
February 27th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Please by all means, always comment. I’ve received one or two negative comments in 8 years of online writing, I am ok with it. My big deal at that point where I spoke my mind is that somebody, some where is apparently not very well versed in the troubles that “might” occur. I hope that it’s a short trip down the therapy lane because honestly, I think he does really well compared to the other children I see in this doctor’s office coming and going. We shall see, but anyone who believes that parenting is all about just having backbone, is doing their child a serious disservice, especially if the child happens to be a special needs child.
I honestly don’t even think my son is going to necessarily be special needs once we break this barrier. Or at least I hope. But, again, educating people is so important, relieving the stigma of “special needs” or whatever, that’s very very important.
Jerri Ann
February 27th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
“I have an older son, he is 6, where none of this was an issue, so I’m fairly certain that 100% of this is not parenting skills, but I’d be willing to take a 60/40 split here.”
It’s like the old joke. A woman with two children commenting that when she had one kid, and that kid was perfectly behaved, she said it was because she was a great parent. But with the *second* one, who was different, all of a sudden she KNEW it was just the way he was born!
Which is true enough.
As far as him being 4 and in pull-ups, whatever the commenters say, it’s not you. I’d like to see how you FORCE a child to use the toilet. My mother once held it in for two and a half days as a child and then peed on the floor because she was scared to use an outhouse, and she wasn’t even, I’m told, particularly stubborn!
February 27th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
Can’t force the a kid (or anyone for that matter) to eat, can’t force them to sleep and can’t force them to use the bathroom and certainly not where you have designated as “the place” for them to use it. We happen to have received a great doctor, a great therapist and I’m looking forward to some help. I think I’ve mentioned this before but it bears repeating, I expect to gain as much from the therapy sessions as my child does because that was the case with my older son’s speech.
That bears repeating here, he didn’t speak in complete conversations until he was well over 3. He now is a non-stop talking machine. He is also quite gifted so it there was nothing wrong, just an over-anxious mother. But, I did feel like in his case, 3 1/2 was a time when he should have been doing more. We did the right thing, and we learned way more in his therapy sessions than he did. Not that we learned to get a backbone because obviously, we had no reason to believe we were the reason he didn’t speak, but we learned techniques to encourage speech and he simply matured.
Jerri Ann
March 1st, 2009 at 6:17 pm
If this is a regular day for you every day, then you need your child evaluated for autism or some other medical issues.
If there are none, then you have your work cut out for you. He needs more firm consistent boundaries and consequences for crossing them.
Each child is different. I have two. One has developmental challenges that make every day different. My other child is a breeze to raise.
There is no rule book, but for your own sanity…don’t feel guilty with being extremely rigid on a pre thought out structure/schedule for him. Some kids can’t be given choices, they are more comfortable with knowing what to expect every day.
I’ll give you an example: When my kids were little.. naptime and bedtime was difficult. They’d argue and debate why and bargin for more time. Well, I started setting my cell phone alarm to play a song at 11:50pm and 7:50 every day. When the song played, there was no argument. It WAS time for bed. It song playing seemed make it “law” and there was no arguing about it.
Well, good luck mom
March 1st, 2009 at 6:38 pm
Bringing up kids has it’s stresses, but you sound like you’re going through hell.
We followed the Continuum Concept (Jean Liedloff), i.e. Contact or attachment Parenting, which is about giving kids as much body contact as possible when they’re babies, and all that they ask for as they grow up (hugs, sharing-beds etc) knowing that they will grow with confidence, instead of developing nervous dispositions/anxieties/angers etc. from skin-hunger/failure to thrive syndrome.
I have so say: I wouldn’t be letting a 4 year old play video games, I would be keeping them firmly in the real-world at that age, and sticking with building-blocks, sandpits, painting, clay, helping-baking, etc. I know the few times I’ve let kids this young play video games it’s always ended in tears of frustration.
lastly about diet: I know my kids would be throwing fits all day if I let them have much sugar and caffeine (don’t forget it’s in chocolate) we try to keep them to just a few sugary treats a week. Certainly no chocolate milk before bed.
February 5th, 2010 at 2:16 am
I have a difficult child to and we are now going to start play therapy. it would be nice if we could all live a June and Ward Cleaver Leave it to Beaver life, now wouldn’t it?
Ever noticed the preacher’s and child psychologist’s have some of the most wild children?
I read you like feedback, but I actually think some of these people here are extremely judgmental about your situation. I live it and I’m a single parent.
PS My daughter and I both are extremely sensitive to sounds. We are not autistic and it’s quite rude to ‘diagnose’ a child you have never met.
Those who live with high spirited children are rewarded by highly intelligent and hilarious kids. My child has 7 imaginary friends and I had to take 6 home after watching them all week. Only 1 stays with us full-time.
Maybe your little one just has adjustment issues which I’ve noticed causes anxiety. If the shampoo bottle is in the tub: MINE FREAKS OUT about it going down the drain. Her dad’s sort of a drama queen and I’m usually pretty chilled out. We find doing arts and crafts sort of stuff together is rewarding and soothing.
I hear you sister…raising this smarty pants alone is hard, but after having a 225 pound growth removed last year…(ex!) we are all doing a bit better! Co-parenting is difficult with an ex, but we are friends now.
Your blog was hilarious.