Mom Is Teaching

I walked into my son’s class this morning carrying a bunch of Science Fair posters in one hand and the corner of a cardboard box with "Holiday Rotation Supplies" printed on it in the other.

My son’s teacher laughed a little to see how I was physically juggling items, just as we mentally juggle items during the chaos of the holiday season.

As I rearranged one shelf in the classroom so that I could place my "supplies" box on it for the various volunteer parents to put their donations inside, my son’s teacher quipped up, "You know, [your son] said he doesn’t celebrate Chanukah." It almost sounded like an accusation.

I tensed up a bit, started babbling a little bit as I straightened the box, and then turned towards her: "Well, um, we mainly celebrate Christmas…"

She looked at me directly, "You said you were Jewish."

"Um, no." I felt very uncomfortable, "No… When I offered to bring a menorah in for our holiday rotation to share with the students, you asked ‘Do you celebrate?’ and I said ‘yes’ because I wasn’t going to launch into a whole explanation, but…"

And I proceeded to explain that while I am Christian by birth, I have had lots of opportunity to enjoy Jewish traditions. I mentioned how I took a Judaic Studies course in college and ended up being the babysitter for that professor. He trusted me enough in his kosher kitchen to let me help out significantly during a Passover Seder.

I love learning about different religions, and I felt really drawn to the Jewish culture and traditions. I felt very "at home" with my Jewish friends. And so, I have a menorah. I have Chanukah books. I understand more about Judaism than the "average" Christian.

But talking to the teacher this morning, I was uncomfortable. She had been so excited to learn that my fellow party planner and I are familiar with Chanukah. The teacher is Jewish. My fellow party planner is Jewish. But I am not. I didn’t feel it necessary to specifically point that out after I offered to bring in a menorah, but in many ways it turned into a "lie by omission."

Had I launched into a whole discussion of my college passion for Judaic Studies at that moment while we were discussing the party, it would have been taken as "too much information," or even worse, some sort of insult to Judaism by insisting that I am not Jewish. But by not saying anything, I was an imposter.

I feel the same way about autistic spectrum disorders sometimes. At times, I "reveal" my son’s diagnosis. And other times, I don’t. It seems phony either way.

For my son’s behavior, sometimes letting people know of the spectrum diagnosis can be useful, but I certainly don’t want to use it as an "excuse" nor do I want to create bias, an expectation that he’ll behave differently than other kids at all times, when it is likely the quirks will be more infrequent. But then if I don’t say anything, on a "bad day" he’s seen as disrespectful, or teachers/parents will query if I’ve "gotten him help," which of course I have.  Depending on one’s perspective, he is either exceptionally "high functioning" on the autistic spectrum, or "quirky, wild, and sometimes a troublemaker" if compared to "neurotypical" kids. It is all about point of view.

Shortly after my son was asked to leave a private kindergarten, I visited a bunch of schools and programs designed for kids "on the spectrum." The kids I observed and met were very impaired compared to my son. For those moms, saying that my child is on the spectrum is in some ways hurtful, because my experience is vastly different than theirs. In the midst of "classically autistic" kids, my son is very high-functioning, but even to say that does a great disservice to those kids and their families. I don’t wish to be ashamed of the diagnosis, and yet sometimes it comes across that way when I want to acknowledge that my life is probably much easier than those moms whose children are more impaired.

It is tough to know when to explain, and when to not. Be it a medial diagnosis, religious or cultural preference, or just about anything else. It is tough to find balance between too much information, and too little.

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This guest post was written by Karianna of The Karianna SpectrumBest wishes to Jerri Ann as she juggles all of her holiday chaos!