Mom Is Teaching

My husband and I constantly speak of life in terms of “when things settle down” or “when things get back to normal” and as you can probably guess, calm and settled are not adjectives frequently used when describing a family with small children.

So, tonight as I received a photo of a picture I had requested Nino paint for me, I became giddy.  One look at and I was in love (and not just because she made my arse look saller than Jupiter, but hey, it didn’t hurt) with this painting.  This is one of the most beautiful drawings, paintings, etc that anyone has everyone done for me.

I showed Boy Genius the picture and he insinuated that he did indeed like the photo as well.  But, he left it at that.  A few minutes later he walks back by my chair and asks to see the photo again….then he says, “I have a new blog tagline for you….” 

Naturally I knew I was about to get non-sense but this time…he made more sense than every….His thoughts one our tagline and our photo..

“Constantly re-inventing normalcy”

He added, just look how normal you three look,,,,weird how Nino was able to leave the chaos out of the drawing. Ha Ha!  Without further rambling, I give you, “constantly re-inventing normalcy”

I saw a cute sign on someone else’s blog and at the time, I just knew I would remember where I saw it so I didn’t record it with the saved sign.  But, as it is, now I can’t remember.  So, if you recognize this as a sign from your blog or if you know whose blog it did come from, please let me know so I can send credit where credit is due. 

The reason I was so intrigued by the sign is because is sums up many things I have to say without me having to say a world.  Here’s what that sign looked like…

Well, I sent that photo to a few friends in email and my friend who is a Pharm D and has her MBA, obviously knows a bit about medication and business too, sent me an email back requesting the following sign….so here you go Krystal…

I’m sorry, but some of these are just too good to pass up….what did you think?

1.  If you go with your son and the entire kindergarten class at his school (60+) kids to the Pumpkin Patch, don’t wait til the day before Halloween to do it….

2.  The thing at the entrance could be a dead wringer for why it might not be a good day…(is that suppose to be a dear or what?)

3.  If you try to take a photo of just your own kid sliding, don’t do it while that onslaught of children stand at your feet…lest….you miss the subject all together…

4.  Demon boy will pose for you every once in a while…(if you promise candy)

5.   Just because you are terrified of dogs, cats and all animals in general, does not mean you don’t like to fish nor does it mean you will be happy when you find out everyone went fishing without you.

6.  If it is your brother’s field trip, you may have to sit one of the activities out…even if your mom did pay $10 for you and $10 for herself to get in……..

7.  Just because you go fishing and catch a fish, does not mean you necessarily would like to touch a fish………

8.  Just because you like a particular pumpkin and want to take it home does not mean you are strong enough to pick it up (or your mom is strong enough to carry it for you)

9.  When you are small, you can really groove on the slide….(especially if your mom takes you to the slide when the other kids are eating lunch)

10.  If your mom has no artistic abilities,get in a group with a more talented mother, lest your scare crow looks more like scarcely a crow.

11.  Just because you despise all animals in general and are terrified of them, does not mean you do not want to pet a rabbit.

12.  Just because you go to the Pumpkin Patch to “pick” a pumpkin doesn’t mean you actually get to PICK A PUMPKIN.

13.  Just because it is your kindergarten field trip to the Pumpkin Patch does not mean that your brother will not steal the show anyway.

Yea, I learned all that in one day……………one loooooooooooooooong day.  And, you guys who homeschool think I can do this all day everyday…..oh you guys don’t know me really well at all.  I spent an hour in the Jacuzzi when I got home some 12 hours after I got out of bed and then got out sick because…well because I stayed in the Jacuzzi for an hour…or maybe because I spent the day with a bunch of 5 year olds and one energetic “3.95 year old who is not potty trained”…..duh!

Tomorrow is a field trip boy for the kindergarten child.  He is excited.  I’m tired just thinking about it.  Anyway, he is so excited to be riding a school bus more than the field trip itself I think. 

We’ve received no less than 3 notes telling us to make sure the children are at school by 7:45….which they have to be there by 7:55 every day anyway.  And, we aim for 7:45 instead of 7:55 so no big deal, but apparently the teacher has encouraged the students about this as well.

Just now, at 8:56, an hour and a half after bedtime (yet they stayed in the Jacuzzi with dad til 8:20 for some crazy reason - not to forget we went out to dinner), I hear this:

Ditto Boy:  Mooooom

Me:  Yes

Ditto Boy:  Do we go to school tomorrow?

Me: Yes

Ditto Boy:  We have to be there at 7 til 20.

Me:  *giving his dad a weird look*

Dad:  *giving me an even weirder look*

Me:  *I think he means 7:45 and I tell dad as much” Ok, we will be there by then I’m sure……

Something light and easy for the morning.  Here’s some “out of the mouths of babes” that I thought might make you laugh….and/or relate.  If you have a similar experience, please feel free to share, remember, as a parent, we are always educating our children and what these children have learned might just need a little tweaking. 

Share your niblets of information. (Unsure of exact origin, if someone knows, please shoot me an email so I can give credit where credit is due).

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

I’m using this one for the rest of my days as a parent of school age child.

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

And, you know, our children have learned to ‘ask for help’ in situations like this.

POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

The poor tooth fairy might just go broke with this one.

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

No words for this one.

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral!)

This will be my five-year-olds mantra.

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.
‘What have you got there, dear?’
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’

Cross posted all over the place, just letting you know…

I have a very close cyber-buddy (I mean, you know, as close as two people can be in cyber space) and she has the most upbeat attitude that sometimes I wonder if maybe I need some of what she has stashed in her kool-aid drawer at home.  Either way, I’ve seen her make photos of thunderstorms and turn them into happy times.  She’ll pour a glass of wine and visit with the neighbor while the children play and she sits back with her wine and enjoys it all.

She’s been known to chase their dog around the neighborhood in her PJ’s and barely stops to wonder if anyone notices.  Basically, she just has a great attitude. 

Have I ever known her to not have a great attitude?  Of course I have, no one is that perfect all the time.  But, she knows how to block the punches, skip over the rocks and dunk under the timbers and land flat on her feet right in front of the river of rainbows.  Yea, she is that good.

Anyway, she has a new site up and running and in case you haven’t figured it out already, the site is Happiness Is The New Black.  I sent her a snarky little email asking her what she was trying to prove by not letting me in on the secrets of her blog life and she sent me packing to the about page and the submit page.   But, since I’m in such a grand ol’ mood, I’ll give you a quick blow by blow just in case you are interested in contributing.

In the about section, this quote summarizes the site for me, “True happiness is deep, pure and everlasting. It is subtle and it is popular because we all share an intrinsic need for it.”  And, with that, you can share your happiness or just read about the happiness of others.

The Submit section will answer questions for you like, How do I contribute?, What do I contribute? Why should I contribute? as well as the When’s? and How often’s.  Go on check it out, it could make for some serious emotional healing….happiness is contagious The New Black

Ok, I’ll let this be the last one for a while, but I have taught school, I Know what it is like when a parent asks you about their child and you know for certain that he/she doesn’t really want to hear the truth.  The White Trash Mom’s Handbook by Michelle Lamar and Molly Wendland gives some really neat interpretations of what teachers say and what they mean.  Of course, I’ll have to throw in my 2 cents worth on the ones I’ve used or the ones I think are happening with my own son who has this issue with talking…I can’t imagine where that kid gets that gene from.

• The teacher says, “Max is very creative and energetic” and what she means is “Max is from hell.  He needs to be medicated.”

Now that one can be taken as offensive if you are in an offensive mood, so don’t be.  The fact of the matter is, teachers are not your  child.  But, just as we adults might say, “This has been the worst day ever, has anyone got some prozac?“  that is the manner in which to take this, with humor.

• The teacher says, “I hope I am not catching you at a bad time….” and she means “Call 911.  The sh** is going to hit the fan.”

Again, I’ve got a story for this.  One of my all time favorite co-workers taught kindergarten.  She was wonderful.  She taught in a school where parents got to pick their teacher.  Parents would wait in line early early to make sure they got this teacher.  However, one year, she got a little hellion boy who sneaked a pair of scissors to the computer lab and cut one of the power cords.  He and the long haired girl next to him both flew backwards, all the breakers in the building were thrown and when they called someone to come get him, the response was, “well, it’s 1 o’clock, can’t he just go ahead and stay the rest of today?” TRUE STORY!

• The teacher says, “Wanted to remind you about the Food Drive…..” and what she meant was “You are an air head.  It’s a wonder you haven’t lost your own children yet.”

No stories for that one but I can see it from miles away and recognize it.

This is a class favorite and I swear to you, I’ve seen these kids and thought these thoughts:

• The teachers says, “Terri is a bubbly girl with lots and lots of friends” and what she meant was “Terri will be the class tramp.  I’ll be amazed if she’s not living in a conversion van with her boyfriend Steve by age sixteen.

I swear, I’ve seen these kids, I have, I’m sorry no examples because they would be way too obvious but I’ve seen them.

Ok, I said this was the last one but there is one more coming after this, but I’m telling you guys, you have to get this book, I laughed out loud sitting on the beach alone…talk about people looking at me and my kids and wondering what in the hell is wrong with them?  I know it happened.  I couldn’t help myself.

I grew up in the house with a school teacher.  The rule in my house is/was, the teacher is right.  It doesn’t matter what your side of the story looks or sounds like, the teacher is the one with the authority and you do as he/she says and that’s the end of that lesson in life.  Now, go out into the big world of school and do what you are told.

And, I abided by it.  I truly did.  I didn’t get in trouble at school for talking (which I’m sure you all can see from my entries that I am a talker) although my son gets in trouble almost daily for talking.  I did not get in trouble at all in school with the exception of the one time this boy and I kissed under the Mistletoe.  I didn’t try to deny it and I knew my parents were going to kill me.  Actually, I knew my  mother was going to kill me and my father was going to laugh at me.  And, that’s exactly what happened.

But other than that, I never saw the teacher reprimand me for something.  Never!  That’s because my father taught me that the teachers is always right. 

When I started teaching school, I assumed that the rest of the children in the world knew this rule.  They did not.  Their parents did not.  And, as Michelle Lamar and Molly Wendland discuss in their book, the best thing for you to learn and to teach your child to learn is this, “Don’t tell the Teacher that He or She “Must be Mistaken”.

Let me tell you why, because that teacher spends more time in 5 days with your child than you do in 7.  He/she knows exactly what he/she is capable of and knows exactly what he/she can and will do.  If by chance, the teacher makes a mistake, it may take him/her a while to learn the error of his/her ways, but the truth will come out and you certainly don’t want to be the one who has to say I’m sorry.  Your child will be scarred for life. 

For those of you who are thinking “but if I don’t defend my child, he will be scarred for life thinking I didn’t believe him” even in an opportune chance that he/she is not the one who is/was guilty, try to trust us (me,, Michelle and Wendy) on this one.  Always always let the teacher be right and when he/she is wrong, let him/her be the one who has to get on his/her knees and ask forgiveness.  Why is this so important, because, like I just told you above, the teacher spends way more time with your child than you do in most cases and the teacher knows what your child is capable of doing.

The White Trash Mom’s Handbook says,

Even if your kid didn’t set off the bomb in the school bathroom, do not make the mistake of immediately defending our kid.  You can and should defend your child but if you immediately start telling the teacher that what that individual is telling you is wrong, you are on your way to the blacklist.  Listen.  Listen.  Act or defend later.  Thank them for letting you know.

Once you are home, you can hear more of the story and if you choose to punish your child or if you choose to make time for a conference with the teacher and administrator, then do so, but follow the rules, listen to what the teacher says without saying a world, go home, digest it and then try again. 

By that time, if your child did indeed tell you the truth, some one, some little tattle tale girl with big ponytails on each side of her head will slip the teacher a note, or tell her parents who will in turn slip the teacher a note and your child will be exonerated.  And, then you, the parent look like the most cooperative parent that ever crossed that teachers path.

Trust me on this one…..just trust me.

I’ve always found this next little thought to be nothing but true true true.  I’ve taught in over 6 schools, I was a student in 3 schools and I’ve been in and out of my son’s school over a dozen times already, but the fact in all these cases that reigns supreme is this:

THE SCHOOL SECRETARY AS QUEEN

I’ve found this to be true in every school I’ve been inside.  If I needed to, I could sit here and give you endless examples of how this is true, but I’m going to savor just a couple for you, ok?  Remember, the idea came from The White Trash Mom’s Handbook by Michelle Lamar and Molly Wendland, not me…I’m just about to tell you how well I know it is true.

Outside the normal things that the school secretary knows, such as where to find extra paper towels, how to find an extra shirt for little Johnny who just spilled milk on himself and clothes can be located absolutely no where and the fact that she has a camera over her desk with 6 frames that basically shows her what is going on in ever part of the building, The WTM Handbook tells you a few other reasons why the secretary reigns supreme.

• She has been at the school for a hundred years

My father taught the school secretary in this very school in 1972.  She has been there when the building had half as much space as it does now.  So, yes, she’s been there for a hundred years.

• She knows everyone and everything about everyone at the school

After all, she is the one that looks at each child’s registration papers, she see’s the address where the child lives (and by living in this area her whole life, she knows exactly how to get to that particular address without blinking an eye).  She has access to any names on the pick-up list even if some of those names are not related to the child or have no reason to pick up the child other than mother or father one has deemed them a “close friend” and it simply works for them.  She knows the real truth behind who is married to who, who lives with who and who has custody of the kids on what days and nights.

• She is powerful

This one is serious.  In many situations she has the authority to make a decision that might otherwise be reserved for an administrator.  Exactly what am I talking about?  If you read my post about my child’s absences from school being tagged unexcused, you will remember that the school secretary called me and used every innuendo in the book to try to get me to talk to the principal and basically beg her to over-turn it.  I wouldn’t.  She was satisfied because she knew she had used every ounce of power she had to make it happen if I would have just complied.  She is also the one who filled out the paper stating that if he was absent again, the truancy officers would be notified.  So, she knew, she knows and she will break her back to make sure that I make sure nothing like that happens again.

• She is feared by most or all of the parents.

Her little corner of the world is filled with people all day long.  The principal’s office is in the back, she is in and out, in and out, issuing orders, in and out.  The assistant principal’s office is directly beside her and she works just like the principal.  They are all encapsulated behind one door.  That means she is also exposed to every sick child that comes through the door, every sick parent, every non-bathed bra-less parent, every salesman, every teacher who comes in to talk to the principal or check her mail (the teachers mail center is located here).  She is responsible for answering a phone that rings endlessly all day long as well as giving children permission to use a different phone almost in 15 minute increments.  Every parent that comes into the building has to see her for a pass to go where ever they want to go in the building.

The bottom line, she does not have time for bullshit.   She needs to stay focused and has no time for small talk.  Thus she puts on an air that she is more important than you when that isn’t how she feels at all.  What she really feels is over-whelmed and the fact that she doesn’t cater to your every need, makes many folks feel as if going to chew off the next arm that reaches for the door to her abode.  That’s just the bottom line.

As I mentioned, I’ve been in numerous schools and it is the same in every one of them.  The school secretary rocks and she also rules!

On a personal note, the second time I ate lunch with Walker I had a coca cola bottle in my hand.  It is against the rules to have those in the lunch room and the school secretary was the one who found me a paper cup to use…I’m telling you, don’t piss her off.

I am the master at this one.  I’ve been carrying this one off since I was in high school.  I was really good at it when I owned the daycare because 9 times out of 10, something had just happened.  For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, I refer you to page 15 on The White Trash Mom’s Handbook by Michelle Lamar and Molly Wendland.

If you still don’t understand, I’ll paraphrase the WTM Handbook.  You pretend that the rip in your jeans, the stain on your shirt or something about what you are wearing would normally render it not wearable that day, but instead, you go ahead and wear it and pretend that it happened after you left home.

Full proof right here that I AM  a mastermind at this one.  On Saturday night we went to the local county fair.  I had shirts picked out for my children when both of them insisted that they wear their Easter shirts.  I pulled them from the hanger only to realize that whenever they were worn last, they stains in them had not been pretreated and……the results….see below:

You will have to click the photo and make it larger to see but there’s an obvious juice or kool-aid stain on my child’s shirt.  I’m blaming this one on my mom since we don’t give the kids kool-aid in the first place….

Again, click on it and make it bigger but there is an obvious grease stain (not as obvious as the kool-aid and more likely to have occurred in route but whatever, I let them wear them anyway)

Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do!

As you all know by now, I’ve been reading a couple of books.  I marked stuff in the books that I couldn’t wait to share with some of you.  Some of it is about those folks who fall into the stereo-type of Muffia and others who are like me, just plain ol’ White Trash Mom’s and the thing about it, neither group loves their children any more or any less. 

But, as I look through the book again today, I’m going to pick out some highlights and either tell you how I did that very thing myself or how I saw someone else do it.  Just sit back and roll with it and get  laugh around here for a change.

I’ll start with this little letter addressed to those Mothers who strive for perfection and some who put on the air of perfection, even when we all know….it is just not possible.  I’m not going to go all out into copyright infringement here, I’ll just pick the parts that really crack me up.

Dear Perfect Mothers,

      It upsets e because so many mothers look at you and then berate themselves for not being able to do it “all”.  I believe women should support other women but I have to tell you:  Please stop the madness.

I wrote a comment on someone’s blog yesterday who was a little nervous about not being able to walk their child into the building any longer, after a couple of weeks I think.  Anyway, we were told we could walk our kids in the first day, which was a Friday and the second day which was a Monday and then no more.  However, I see no less than 30 women in the mornings walking their little cherubs into the building……the cherubs are in the fourth, fifth and sometimes sixth grade.  In the evenings, it is men and women doing it, more to the tune of say, 45 parents. 

I know why they do it.  When you enter the buildings in the morning, their are staff members standing there directing the children into an old gymnasium where they have to sit in silence until 7:45.  Well, because these children do not want to follow this rule, they have their parent walk them into the building so that they can go to their room instead of doing what the rest of the children are doing which is apparently little fun.  It’s the parents way of being wrapped around their child’s finger and at the same time believing that their little darling is simply too good to go sit with the rest of the school until teachers arrive and are in their rooms ready for students.  I KID YOU NOT ON THIS ONE.

On a personal note, I simply time it so that my child doesn’t get out of my car until 7:45 or later and he is then allowed to go directly to his room.  If for some reason I had an appointment or work to get to on a schedule, my son would simply have to accept that he is no better than the rest of the kids.  My deep rooted reason for doing it that way is that we simply don’t have to get out of bed before 7 or 7:15 if I aim to get him there at 7:45 or 7:50.  Late is considered after 7:55 so obviously, I aim for 7:46.

Back to the letter:

You are contributing to a major problem in our culture by pretending to be perfect.  I have a few questions for you about how you “do it all”:

*  Does your husband actually help?

My husband does help a lot, not in the mornings though.  He is long gone by 5 AM, we are all on our own.

*  What drugs are you taking to make you so efficient, and can I have some?

I realize some people are morning people.  One of my favorite mom’s in Walker’s room is truly a morning person.  Even when she worked for me, she would rise at 5 AM or so, part of the time just for some peace and quite, she has 3 boys.  But, she admittedly said her bedtime was terribly skewed depending on “how much homework she had to do for the boys the night before”.  ACK

Back to the letter:

Being a mother is a full-time job all by itself, so please tell us how you juggle it.  ………………Because the myth that women can do it “all” and that doing it al is easy is a story that brings al of us down.

There are a couple of women that I see walk their children in and out of school everyday.  Each time they look freshly groomed by a stylist, a hair professional and most of all, a make-up specialist.  Me, I don’t even put on a bra and pray I’m not asked to come in for a second.